Whatsapp ( Marriage )

A must to read on marriage.
Some global opinions on marriages..

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Mike Tyson

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Bill Clinton 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- George W. Bush 👻

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- Michael Jordan

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Shaquille O'Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..
- Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married?? Anything I wanted to.
- David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Barack Obama

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You wonder, what happened.


Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning,
every wife treats her husband as GOD..
Later,
somehow don't know why..
alphabets get reversed..
  
An Excellent Line...

"Marriage is a beautiful forest where Brave Lions are killed by beautiful Deer's".

Whatsapp (Father vs Son)

Once a father beats up his son and when son starts crying, the father says sorry.

Smart Son says : Take a piece of paper. Crumble it. Fold it. Now open it. Say "sorry" to it. Are the scars on the paper gone? Nahi na.. Relationships are like this .

Smarter Dad says : Take my scooter and try to start. does it start ? Nahin naa... Now give it 3-4 kicks. Now does it start ? Hua na... Haram-khor.. Tu wahi scooter hai, koi paper - waper nahi. Aage se ye Facebook/WhatsApp wale gyaan apne baap ko mat dena.

Whatsapp (Campus Selection)

After completing B.E...
a Student took his Girlfriend 👫 to his Home.

Father: Who is She?

Son replied...

      "Campus Selection"

Whatsapp ( Prize)

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in- laws for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law.


Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her.  Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : From your Mother In Law.


Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.  Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note:

from your Father In Law!

Whatsapp ( LOL LOL)

A boy sees a beautiful girl sitting right next to him & writes on a paper: I love you, do you love me? And passes the paper to her.
She replies: No.
He didn’t give up. He erased her answer and passed it to another girl, and she replied: Yes.
Moral of the story is definitely not what. you think.
Lets save Earth,
recycle paper . reuse it

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Father:- agar iss bar tum exam mein fail hue to mujhe papa mat kehna...
Aftr exam
Father: how is ur result?
Son: dimag khrab mat kar Dharampal... tu baap ka haq kho chuka hai..

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Son: Can I go to my friend's house for party?

Dad: Don't ask me. Ask your mom

Mom: Don't ask me. Ask your dad

Son: Sala, ghar hai ya SBI ki branch?

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What is PYAAR ?

Its a
group
of
friends
sitting in a BAR
with glasses in hand and saying--

 "P"   "YAAR".

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How do a chartered accountant scolds his son??                                                                             

 You useless bounced cheque, liability to humanity, born bad debt, dishonoured bill,I will beat you so badly that your balance sheet will never tally.

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Whatsapp ( Engineer vs Doctor)

A engineer was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop...
He went to him & said.. "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back"...So why do I get such a small salary? and u get huge sums....!
The doctor smiled at the engineer and came close to his ear and said.... "Try the same when the engine is running."


 classic!

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Continuation
.Engineer. Revenge
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The engineer smiled back came close to doctors ear and said
I can pick any dead engine and make it alive . . . . . . . But can you ???


Not only classic but Epic

Whatsapp ( Bank)

In 1980, ICICI Bank rejected LOAN for Ambani.

Now in 2015, Mukesh Ambani is planning 2 buy ICICI Bank.


Morale : NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!


In 2015, SBI Bank rejected Loan for me.


But, in 2019, I m planning to
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Apply LOAN again.
BCoz it is Govt Bank! We can't buy.

MORAL: There is a limit for everything.

Whatsapp (Fortune??)

Do try this - it's pretty accurate I think.....

In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it.

There are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Mango
d. Grapes
e. Orange

Which fruit will u choose?

Your choice reveals about u!

Pls be very Honest to yourself…..

&

Now scroll down for results:
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Here are the results.
A. if you chosen Apple : that means you are a person who loves to eat Apple

B. if you chosen banana : that means you are a person who loves to eat Banana

C. if you chosen mango : that means you are a person who loves to eat mango

D. if you chosen grapea : that means you are a person who loves to eat grapes

E. if you chosen orange : that means you are person who loves to eat Orange

Note: If you are hunting for me to punch …..Well…I am busy hunting for the person who sent me this!!!!!
‬
 Release your frustration by forwarding.....

Whatsapp ( Note it)

Shakespeare :
Never play with the feelings
of others because you may
win the game but the risk is
that you will surely lose
the person for a life time.
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Napoleon.
The world suffers a lot. Not
because of the violence of
bad people, But because of
the silence of good people!
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Einstein :
I am thankful to all those
who said NO to me It's
because of them I did it
myself.
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Abraham Lincoln :
If friendship is your weakest
point then you are the
strongest person in the
world.
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Shakespeare :
Laughing faces do not
mean that there is absence
of sorrow! But it means that
they have the ability to deal
with it.
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William Arthur :
Opportunities are like
sunrises, if you wait too
long you can miss them.
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Hitler :
When you are in the light,
Everything follows you, But
when you enter into the
dark, Even your own shadow
doesn't follow you.
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Shakespeare :
Coin always makes sound
but the currency notes are
always silent. So when
your value increases, keep quiet.

Whatsapp ( Bahubali Craze)

Height of craze.!!


Boy- Hiii...
Grl- Hiee..
Boy- I love you
Grl- What the hell  Who're u?
Boy- Yes..I love you
Grl- Uff... Will you just stop it plz? I hate u Even I have Boy friend
Boy- Hmmm ok...Actually I have Two BAAHUBALI tickets...
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Grl- Aww  Choorry babiee...Im kidding...Love you too...

Whatsapp ( Who is Driving)

2 Dost Daaru Pee Ke Apni Gaadi Se Gahr Jaa Rahe The.

Tabhi Ek Dost Chillaya, "Deewar... Abbe Samne Dekh Deewar Hai.... Deewar... Dewaar Dekh Kamine......"

Aur Itne Mein... Dhadaaaaam!!!!

They Hit The Wall.

The next day in the Hospital 1st asked 2nd, "Mein Chilla chilla Ke Bol Raha Tha Deewar Hai Deewar Hai... Suna Kyun Nahi Tu Ne??? Peene Ke Baad Agar Drive Nahin Kar Sakta Toh Batana Chahiye Tha Yaar!!!"

2nd answered him, "Abe Bewde...... Gaadi Tu Chala Raha Tha...!!!"

Whatsapp ( Bharosa)

Ek bar engineering ke sabhi Professores ko
ek plane mein bithaya gaya..

Fir announce kiya gaya ki
“YE PLANE APKE STUDENTS NE BNAYA HAI”

Sab profesrs utar gaye…
Par principal baithe rahe

Logo ne pucha: Aapko Darr nahi lgta?

Principle: Muje apne studnts par pura bharosa hai.

Ye start hi nahi hoga!!

Whatsapp (Worth Sharing)

A chat with Dr.Devi Shetty, Narayana Hrudayalaya (Heart Specialist) Bangalore was arranged by WIPRO for its employees. The transcript of the chat is given below. Useful for everyone.

Qn: What are the thumb rules for a layman to take care of his heart?
Ans:
1. Diet - Less of carbohydrate, more of protein, less oil
2. Exercise - Half an hour's walk, at least five days a week;
avoid lifts and
avoid sitting for a longtime
3. Quit smoking
4. Control weight
5. Control BP - Blood pressure and Sugar

Qn: Can we convert fat into muscles?
Ans: It is a dangerous myth. Fat and muscles are made of two different tissues, fat is fat ... Ugly and harmful... Muscle is muscle. Fat can never be converted into a muscle.

Qn: It's still a grave shock to hear that some apparently healthy person
gets a cardiac arrest. How do we understand it in perspective?
Ans: This is called silent attack; that is why we recommend everyone past the age of 30 to undergo routine health checkups.

Qn: Are heart diseases hereditary?
Ans: Yes

Qn: What are the ways in which the heart is stressed? What practices do you suggest to de-stress?
Ans: Change your attitude towards life. Do not look for perfection in everything in life.

Qn: Is walking better than jogging or is more intensive exercise required to keep a healthy heart?
Ans: Walking is better than jogging, since jogging leads to early fatigue and injury to joints

Qn: You have done so much for the poor and needy. What has inspired you to do so?
Ans: Mother Theresa, who was my patient.

Qn: Can people with low blood pressure suffer heart diseases?
Ans: Extremely rare.

Qn: Does cholesterol accumulates right from an early age (I'm currently only 22) or do you have to worry about it only after you are above 30 years of age?
Ans: Cholesterol accumulates from childhood.

Qn: How do irregular eating habits affect the heart ?
Ans: You tend to eat junk food when the habits are irregular and your body's enzyme release for digestion gets confused.

Qn: How can I control cholesterol content without using medicines?
Ans: Control diet, walk and eat walnut.

Qn: Which is the best and worst food for the heart?
Ans: Fruits and vegetables are the best and oilis the worst.

Qn: Which oil is better - groundnut, sunflower, olive?
Ans: All oils are bad.

Qn: What is the routine checkup one should go through? Is there any specific test?
Ans: Routine blood test to ensure sugar, cholesterol is ok. Check BP, Treadmill test after an echo.

Qn: What are the first aid steps to be taken on a heart attack?
Ans: Help the person into a sleeping position, place an aspirin tablet under the tongue with a sorbitrate tablet if available, and rush him to a coronary care unit, since the maximum casualty takes place within the first hour.

Qn: How do you differentiate between pain caused by a heart attack and that caused due to gastric trouble?
Ans: Extremely difficult without ECG.

Qn: What is the main cause of a steep increase in heart problems amongst youngsters? I see people of about 30-40 yrs of age having heart attacks and serious heart problems.
Ans: Increased awareness has increased incidents. Also, sedentary lifestyles, smoking, junk food, lack of exercise in a country where people are genetically three times more vulnerable for heart attacks than Europeans and Americans.

Qn: Is it possible for a person to have BP outside the normal range of 120/80 and yet be perfectly healthy?
Ans: Yes.

Qn: Marriages within close relatives can lead to heart problems for the child. Is it true?
Ans : Yes, co-sanguinity leads to congenital abnormalities and you may NOT have a software engineer as a child

Qn: Many of us have an irregular daily routine and many a times we have to stay late nights in office. Does this affect our heart? What precautions would you recommend?
Ans : When you are young, nature protects you against all these irregularities. However, as yougrow older, respect the biological clock.

Qn: Will taking anti-hypertensive drugs cause some other complications (short/long term)?
Ans : Yes, most drugs have some side effects. However, modern anti-hypertensive drugs are extremely safe.

Qn: Will consuming more coffee/tea lead to heart attacks?
Ans : No.

Qn: Are asthma patients more prone to heart disease?
Ans : No.

Qn: How would you define junk food?
Ans : Fried food like Kentucky , McDonalds , Samosas, and even Masala Dosas.

Qn: You mentioned that Indians are three times more vulnerable. What is the reason for this, as Europeans and Americans also eat a lot of junk food?
Ans: Every race is vulnerable to some disease and unfortunately, Indians are vulnerable for the most expensive disease.

Qn: Does consuming bananas help reduce hypertension?
Ans: No.

Qn: Can a person help himself during a heart attack (Because we see a lot of forwarded e-mails on this)?
Ans: Yes. Lie down comfortably and put anaspirin tablet of any description under the tongue and ask someone to take you to the nearest coronary care unit without any delay and do not wait for the ambulance since most of the time, the ambulance does not turn up.

Qn: Do, in any way, low white blood cells and low hemoglobin count lead to heart problems?
Ans: No. But it is ideal to have normal hemoglobin level to increase your exercise capacity.

Qn: Sometimes, due to the hectic schedule we are not able to exercise. So, does walking while doing daily chores at home or climbing the stairs in the house, work as a substitute for exercise?
Ans : Certainly. Avoid sitting continuously for more than half an hour and even the act of getting out of the chair and going to another chair and sitting helps a lot.

Qn: Is there a relation between heart problems and blood sugar?
Ans: Yes. A strong relationship since diabetics are more vulnerable to heart attacks than non-diabetics.

Qn: What are the things one needs to take care of after a heart operation?
Ans : Diet, exercise, drugs on time , Control cholesterol, BP, weight.

Qn: Are people working on night shifts more vulnerable to heart disease when compared to day shift workers?
Ans : No.

Qn: What are the modern anti-hypertensive drugs?
Ans: There are hundreds of drugs and your doctor will chose the right combination for your problem, but my suggestion is to avoid the drugsand go for natural ways of controlling blood pressure by walk, diet to reduce weight and changing attitudes towards lifestyles.

Qn: Does dispirin or similar headache pills increase the risk of heart attacks?
Ans : No.

Qn: Why is the rate of heart attacks more in men than in women?
Ans: Nature protects women till the age of 45. (Present Global census show that the Percentage of heart disease in women has increased than in men )

Qn: How can one keep the heart in a good condition?
Ans: Eat a healthy diet, avoid junk food, exercise everyday, do not smoke and, go for health checkups if you are past the age of 30 ( once in six months recommended) ....

Please, don't hoard knowledge.
It takes sharing of knowledge to discover and understand the world in which we live.
Please send it to all your friends and relatives....... They might benefit as well...

Dr. Devi She[truncated by WhatsApp]

Whatsapp (Panga )

An Arab was admitted the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally a Gujarati in Ahemedabad was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.
Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.
The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him that this time also i thought that you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery..... But you gave only a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets..
On this the Arab replied

'Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood in my veins!'

Whatsapp ( Tiger vs Cat)

A tiger was getting married and all animals attended the wedding . Every animal stood at distance and wished the  tiger

A cat came and climbed to the stage and danced nicely then extended his hand to wish the tiger

The tiger roared in rage and said how dare you come on the stage? Even the panther is maintaining its distance and you climbed the stage.

The cat replied and after listening to that the tiger fainted. What would have the cat said ???

Any guess???




























The cat said "Oh shut up buddy, even I was a
tiger before marriage"

Whatsapp (Can you Answer)

It's 3:00 AM in the morning. You are sleeping. The doorbell rings. It's your family, they want to have breakfast. They have got strawberry jam bottle, bread packet, honey bottle, juice bottle and milk bottle with them. So, what do you open first ?


Answer.......... ?




Eyes..

Sherlock Holmes In Whatsapp

Solve this . . .

Answer this if u can . . . Read carefully.

Sherlock Holmes was walking down the streets in the morning when he found many people gathered. They were circling a woman‘s dead body.

He examined the body & found a purse in which was her license. Her name was Anne & he called up her residence number.
Her husband picked up the phone and Sherlock said, “Your wife is dead“.

“No way“, said the husband.

“Please come and confirm“, said Sherlock.

Husband said, “Ok“ & hung up.

After 10 mins husband came & he saw the body ,he shout "Anne"& started crying.

Sherlock looked at the police
 officer &  said, “ARREST THE HUSBAND!!!...HE IS THE MURDERER!!“

WHY???

Genius folks please answer

Whatsapp (LOL Again)

BOSS hangs a Poster in his Office

" I'M THE BOSS, DON'T FORGET AND REMAIN IN YOUR LIMITS "

He returns from lunch and finds a slip on his desk:
"Your Wife called, she was shouting & said she wants the Poster back at HOME..."

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Some girls were Sitting in a Park every day. One Man was observing them daily as they were Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day He observed everybody was silent . There must be some Serious issue or Incidents Happened .

So He went to one girl and ask,  Why everybody is Silent Today?



The girl replied: 
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All Are Present Today...........


Man took Few Seconds to Understand this....

Whatsapp ( Very Touching Story)

Very touching story:

"Husband forgot to wish Wife on her birthday. He came home late at night from the office .....

His wife said: How would u feel if u dont see me for next few days?

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once.'' Wowww.....That would be great..!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her.

Tuesday he didnt see her.
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& wednesday passed too. .
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On Thursday the swelling was better & he could see her from the corner of his left eye...

Whatsapp ( Law of Equality )

Law of equality
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 min is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call u in 5 min!
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I argued... She argued...
I shouted... She shouted and then she cried

Result: she won by duckworth lewis method


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Chess is the only game in the world,
which reflects the status of the husband.
the poor king can take only one step at a time ...
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.
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All Men are Brave,
Horror Movies don't Scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ..surely does..

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One Smart Guy Invented
"WhatsApp"

His Wife Added a feature in it called

'Last Seen At'

Thank god she didn't add
  'last seen with'

Whatsapp ( Punch of the Day)

Punch Of D Day ....

Once A Man Asked God: "Why All Girls Are So Cute & Sweet, And All Wifes Are Always Angry

God Answered: Girls Are Made By Me ... And you make them Wife...!!!
 Your Problem.. !!! 

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What's Marriage?

Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense Of Humans

That Destroys All The Six Senses

And Makes The Person NON Sense..!

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Definition Of Happy Couple -

HE Does What SHE Wants…

SHE Does What SHE Wants.


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Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.

Husband: Exactly darling!  its a computer, not a Husband..!!


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'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."

-Shakespear

"Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten ur Life."

-Shakespear's Wife


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Dont laugh  alone pass it on.....

Whatsapp ( Yoga Day)

On International Yoga Day, a husband woke up n getting ready to do yoga.

As he was getting ready, the wife opened her eyes.

So the husband asked her-

"Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?"

Wife: "Do you mean to say I am fat?"

Husband: "No no. If you don't want to wake up, it's ok."

Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, ha?"

Husband: "No. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean...."

Wife: "Aha! So I dont understand you, right?"

Husband: "Now look I didn't say that."

Wife: "So am I lying?!!"

Husband: "All right! Its best I also dont go for Yoga:

Wife: "See! You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me."

The husband quitely goes to sleep again.

Therefore the best Yoga pose for husbands is ....

"Shavasana"

Whatsapp ( Another Heart touching)

I FEEL THIS MeSSAGE REALLY HEART TOUCHING SO SHARING WITH ALL OF YOU Must read 
Are we earning to pay builders and interior designers, caterers and decorators? 

Whom do we want to impress with our highly inflated house properties & fat weddings?

Do you remember for more than two days what you ate at someone's marriage?

Why are we working like dogs in our prime years of life?

How many generations do we want to feed?

Most of us have two kids. Many have a single kid.

How much is the "need" and how much do we actually "want"??
Think about it.

Would our next generation be incapable to earn, that we save so much for them!?!

Can not we spare one and a half days a week for friends, family and self??

Do you spend even 5% of your monthly income for your self enjoyment?
Usually...No.

Why can't we enjoy simultaneously while we earn?  

Spare time to enjoy before you have slipped discs and large prostates.

We don't own properties, we just have temporary name on documents.

GOD laughs sarcastically, when someone says,
"I am the owner of this land"!! 

It is not bad to be rich, but it is very unfair, to be only rich.

Let's get a LIFE, before life gets us, instead....

Gm

Whatsapp ( Greece Crisis ,,. Forwarded.)

Socialism and Greece

What is happening in Greece is the result of socialism playing out in the city square. But you won’t know that by reading papers or watching TV.

Greece has enacted entitlements which assure the citizens a royal life just because they are born in Greece. For example everybody gets pension. Everybody, means everybody. At the age of 57, you as a private or self employed person retire with full State pension. But there is another catch. If you work in a hazardous profession, you can retire with full pension at the age of 50. There are about 450 professions classified as hazardous. One of them is hairdresser. Yep, you read that right, in Greece, hairdresser is a hazardous profession.

 So if you are a hairdresser, you can retire with full state pension at the age of 50.

All other entitlements- healthcare, education, unemployment benefits, housing, etc., of course are there. With these securities in place, Greeks did what all other Europeans have done: They stopped having babies. If government is there to take care of you from cradle to grave, why go to the trouble of maintaining families and having babies? Its fertility rate is just 1.41. (World Bank in fact put the figure at 1.29 in 2013.) So there are not enough Greek nephews to take care of the old age pensions and medical care of Greek uncles. Greeks are discovering the hard way two inescapable facts of life:

1. government doesn’t have infinite money.

2. Government has no money of its own.

 If there are no taxpayers around, government earns nothing.

But Greek uncles say,”We don’t give a damn. We don’t care how you arrange the money. Just keep our Welfare cheques coming. Otherwise we will burn down our own cities.” The dispute right now is that Greeks want their entitlements to continue, to be paid by the rest of Europe, whereas rest of Europeans are not ready to pick up the tab. How cruel of them, those Europeans. They all profess to be socialists but are not ready to take care their poor brethren in Greece.

What is happening in Greece, and in the rest of Europe as well, is that the latest avatar of Socialism-the Welfare State- has also bombed big time. Socialists through their control of media may put any spin to it, but the fact is that their latest project of collectivising only incomes (and not means of production or property) has also ended up destroying some of the richest and most advanced countries on the planet- the Welfare States of Europe.

Whatsapp ( Jokes)

DEADLIEST JOKE EVER IN the HISTORY OF SANTA & BANTA...

Dinga -
What  will happen if i
dial 001 on my phone???

Tinga -
police jeep will come
in reverse.

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An Arab went to London.

One day in the hotel room arab heard his wife screaming - "farra farra" (arabic word for mouse)
He wanted to inform the room service but didn't know english word for "farra"

Arab: Hello room service?
Room Service: Yes Sir, how can I help you?
Arab: Eeerrrrrr.... You know Tom & Jerry?
Room Service: Yes Sir, I know Tom & Jerry.
Arab: Walla habibi, Jerry is here !!!

Whatsapp ( Is it possible ?!!!)

A student spent one full day playing candy crush, temple run, subway surfer and other android games. Yet his parents at regular intervals gave him glucose, water, refreshments and kept encouraging. What's the mystery?
































It is Sports day at
IIN....IIN

Whatsapp (Wonderful Requests)

Interesting requests by

Traffic dept:
"Donate blood, but not on Roads..."

Forest dept:
"Shoot the bird with camera not with gun..."

Petrol pump:
" No smoking" " ur life may be worthless but our petrol is costly"

An Excellent line written on a hospital board:- 
"If you still want to continue looking @ girls, even after your death ;
DONATE YOUR EYES.."

Whatsapp ( Awesome Short stories)

14 short stories worth reading, feeling and forwarding to all those dear to you..

1. Fall and Rise

Today, when I slipped on the wet tile floor a boy in a wheelchair caught me before I slammed my head on the ground.  He said, “Believe it or not, that’s almost exactly how I injured my back 3 years ago .

2. A father's advice

Today, my father told me, “Just go for it and give it a try!  You don’t have to be a professional to build a successful product.  Amateurs started Google and Apple.  Professionals built the Titanic

3. The power of uniqueness.

Today, I asked my mentor – a very successful business man in his 70’s – what his top 3 tips are for success.  He smiled and said, “Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing.

4. Looking Back

Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I’m working on for my Psychology class.  When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, “Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.

5. Try and U shall know

I am blind by birth. When I was 8 years old, I wanted to play baseball. I asked my father- "Dad, can I play baseball?" He said "You'll never know until you try." When I was a teenager, I asked him, - "Dad Can I become a surgeon?". He replied "Son, you'll never know until you try." Today I am a Surgeon, just because I tried!

6. GOODNESS & GRATITUDE

Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug.  When I tensed up, she realized I didn’t recognize her.  She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, “On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center.”

7. LOVE CONQUERS PAIN

Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying.  And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.

8. A DOOR CLOSES TO OPEN ANOTHER

Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job.  I start tomorrow.

9. LOOKING BACK

Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother’s hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.”

10. AFFECTION

Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed.  About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

11. INNOCENCE

Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?” She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.”  I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?” “Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” she said.

12. JOY

Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter’s antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

13. KINDNESS

Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me.  He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, “I hope you feel better soon.”.

14. SHARING

Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe.  He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy.  Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating.  The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.”

Cheers to life.
One of the best post, ever gone through.....thanks to all those who decided to share these real life experiences!

Whatsapp ( Office vs Mahabharata)

Office goers can relate it perfectly 😜

Dronacharya:
The Mentor. The employee who doesn't like working himself but is always ready to guide and train new joiners.

Bhishma:
The Loyal. The employee in a relatively senior position who happily assists the boss in spite of knowing his incompetence (because of some strange oath maybe)

Dhritarashtra:
The blind boss. He knows that everything is wrong with his project but will still let it function, without making any changes to the current processes.

Gandhari:
The Yesmen/Women. Boss's immediate juniors who know that they are a part of an evil plan but will stay blindfolded and pretend as if nothing is happening.

Yuddhisthira:
The ethical guy. Poor chap would never fudge timesheets and call in sick only when he is dying.

Bheema:
The angry resource. Always ready to pick up a fight with his peers, subordinates or even the bosses.

Arjuna:
The cool dude. The star performer who also knows how to sell his skills. A natural charmer, very famous among the ladies.

Nakul & Sahdev:
The good average resource. No one notices them. They keep doing their work and get average appraisals.

Duryodhana:
The Bully. Knows how to get work done, by hook or by crook. Doesn't mind threatening the likes of Nakul and Sahdev to get his work done.

Karna:
The unsung hero. The best performer in the office but never claims credit for his work. Stays an unsung hero for all his life. Girls take him for a snobbish nerd.

Shakuni:
The evil plotter. Copies management in every mail. Escalates every trivial issue, sometimes to take credits and sometimes purely for fun.

Dhristadyumna:
The One inning wonder. The one who performs an extraordinary feat, and then basks in the glory of it for the rest of his life.

Draupadi:
The shared resource. Keeps hopping projects on boss's advice.

Krishna:
The Ultimate Boss (MD/CEO) who knows that it is his game while he makes everyone believe that they are playing important roles too.

Who says history never repeats itself? It does, everyday.....in the office.

Whatsapp ( Think About It?!!)

What is the difference between
I like you
I love you.

Beautifully answered by
Buddha:

Buddha's answer was so simple:
"When u like a flower, u just pluck it.  But when u love a flower, u water it daily..!

One who understand this , understands life ....

Whatsapp ( Quiz Time)

Open challenge

If u can answer the below two questions then u r really intelligent.

Q- one thing is there which

Becomes 2kg when its dry.
Becomes 1kg when its wet.
And
Becomes 3kg when its burnt.

its challenge for u !!👈👍
"Challange For all group
Time limit 1days
---------------------------------
Answer if ur intelligent!

What is that?

Comes once in year,
Twice in a month,

4 times in a week ,
And 6 times in a day?

It's challange 4 all.
Ans me..?..
It's  Challenge  4  all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatsapp ( Heart Touching)

I FEEL THIS MeSSAGE REALLY HEART TOUCHING SO SHARING WITH ALL OF YOU Must read 
Are we earning to pay builders and interior designers, caterers and decorators? 

Whom do we want to impress with our highly inflated house properties & fat weddings?

Do you remember for more than two days what you ate at someone's marriage?

Why are we working like dogs in our prime years of life?

How many generations do we want to feed?

Most of us have two kids. Many have a single kid.

How much is the "need" and how much do we actually "want"??
Think about it.

Would our next generation be incapable to earn, that we save so much for them!?!

Can not we spare one and a half days a week for friends, family and self??

Do you spend even 5% of your monthly income for your self enjoyment?
Usually...No.

Why can't we enjoy simultaneously while we earn?  

Spare time to enjoy before you have slipped discs and large prostates.

We don't own properties, we just have temporary name on documents.

GOD laughs sarcastically, when someone says,
"I am the owner of this land"!! 

It is not bad to be rich, but it is very unfair, to be only rich.

Let's get a LIFE, before life gets us, instead....

Gm

Whatsapp ( Great Requests)

Interesting requests by

Traffic dept:
"Donate blood, but not on Roads..."

Forest dept:
"Shoot the bird with camera not with gun..."

Petrol pump:
" No smoking" " ur life may be worthless but our petrol is costly"

An Excellent line written on a hospital board:- 
"If you still want to continue looking @ girls, even after your death ;
DONATE YOUR EYES.."

Whatsapp ( Who is Deaf )

***Superb Story***

Tinga was worried that his wife was having a hearing problem and he thought she might need a  hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do,"
said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet,
then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response.."

That evening,
his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and Tinga thought of testing the same.
He says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.?"

Then in a normal tone he asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response....

So he moves closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still No response...

Next he moves to the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets No response...

So, he walks up to the kitchen door,
about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is No response....

So he walks right up behind her,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
(You'll Love this)
"For God's sake Tinga,
its  the FIFTH time I am telling you,
its 'AALOO PAROTTA'.!"

Whatsapp ( LOL )

Who are lizards?

Awesome answer
by a kid....

They are
those poor crocodiles who forgot to have Horlicks when they were young

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
What is a Pizza..?

Awesome answer:

A Pizza.. is just a Paratha that went abroad
for higher education !

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

What's the best example of "once in a lifetime opportunity?
A mosquito sitting on your wife's face.:

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Whatsapp (Cockroach Theory)

The cockroach theory for self development
    
At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and  sat on a lady.

She started screaming out of fear.

With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ...it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach  responsible for their histrionic behavior?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach, that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:

I understood, I should not react in life.
I should always respond.

The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of.

A beautiful way to understand............LIFE.

Person who is HAPPY is not because Everything is RIGHT in his Life..

He is HAPPY because his Attitude towards Everything in his Life is Right..!!,,,,,,,

Really beautiful

Whatsapp ( Think about it)

In an ancient temple, a number of pigeons lived happily on
roof top. When the renovation of the temple began for the
annual temple feast the pigeons relocated themselves to a
Church nearby. The existing pigeons in the Church
accommodated the new comers very well.
Christmas was nearing and the Church was given a facelift.
All the pigeons had to move out and look for another place.
They were fortunate to find a place in a Mosque nearby. The
pigeons in the Mosque welcomed them happily.
It was Ramadan time and the Mosque was repainted. All the
pigeons now came to the same ancient temple.
One day the pigeons on top found some communal
clashes below in a market square. The baby pigeon asked
the mother pigeon "Who are these people ".
The mother replied; they are "Human beings". The baby
asked, "but why are they fighting with each other". The
mother said "These human beings going to temple are
called 'Hindus' and the people going to Church are called
'Christians' and the people going to Mosque are called
'Muslims'.
The Baby pigeon asked, "why is it so? Look, when we were
in the Temple we were called Pigeons, when we were in the
church we were called Pigeons and when we were in the
Mosque, we were called Pigeons. Similarly they should be
called just 'Human beings' wherever they go".
The mother Pigeon said, 'You and me and our Pigeon
friends have experienced God and that's why we are living
here in a highly elevated place peacefully. These people are
yet to experience God. Hence they are living below us and
fighting and killing each other".

Reflect!

Whatsapp ( Golden Collection)

What is "GENERATION GAP"?
**Father used to walk 20 Minutes to save 20 Rs.
Son spends 20 Rs. to save 20 Minutes.
(Surprisingly both are correct...!!!)
------------------------------------
**Cultural Gap
If electricity goes in America they call the power house.
In Japan, they test the fuse,
But In India, they check neighbour's house, "power gone there too....then ok!"
------------------------------------
**Sense of Responsibility...
A man goes to library n asks for a book on Suicide..........
Librarian looks at him n says: "hello.. who will return the book ????"
------------------------------------
**GRANDFATHER TO GRANDSON:
Go hide! Your teacher is coming as you bunked school today!
GRANDSON: YOU go hide.. I told her YOU PASSED AWAY!!
------------------------------------
**Sister to brother: What r u going to gift grandma on her b'day?
Brother: A football
Sister: But grandma does not play!
Brother: On my b'day she gave me bhagavat gita.  
Dont laugh alone pass it on.....

Whatsapp ( English Vinglish)

English Vinglish

Can any one say the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

Whatsapp ( Dont sue me. I m not the creator?!!)

New trains have been announced today in the name of celebrities

Modi Express: Will not stop anywhere till it reaches the destination

Bappi Lahiri Express: Pull chain, another chain will be seen behind it

Ekta Kapoor Express:  will come three times on the same platform in slow motion

Amir Khan Express: Will run once in a year and pick the passengers as per its choice

Salman Khan Express: Can run on footpath

Manmohan Express: one and only silent train

Dhoni Express: 95% journey @ 10km/hr and remaining 5% @ 400km/hr

Mamata Express: Train will run in the opposite direction of destination.

Rahul Gandhi Express: Will get derailed repeatedly

Congress Express: An experienced driver in each coach, driver Of engine on leave

Amit Shah Express: Covers the whole country except Delhi

Kejriwal Express: Sure to start but no guarantee it will reach destination...could stop midway if driver decides to abandon train

& finally, Indian Railways Ka Shaan

Rajnikant Express: Train will remain static at one place and stations will come and go

Whatsapp ( Dont compare with others)

Who is Happy ???

A Crow Lived in the Forest and was absolutely satisfied in life.

But one day he saw a swan...
This swan is so white and I am so black...crow thought.

This swan must be the happiest bird in the world.

He expressed his thoughts to the swan.
"Actually," the swan replied,

"I was feeling that I was the happiest bird around until I saw a parrot, which has two colors.
I now think the parrot is the happiest bird in creation."

The crow then approached the parrot.
The parrot explained,
"I lived a very happy life—until I saw a peacock.
I have only two colors, but the peacock has multiple colors."

The crow then visited a peacock in the zoo and saw that hundreds of people had gathered to see him.

After the people had left,
The crow approached the Peacock..

Dear Peacock,
You are so beautiful.
Every day thousands of people come to see you.
When people see me,
they immediately shoo me away.
I think you are the happiest bird on the planet.

The peacock replied,
I always thought that I was the most beautiful and happy bird on the planet.
But because of my beauty,
I am entrapped in this zoo.

I have examined the zoo very carefully, and I have realized that the crow is the only bird not kept in a cage.

So for past few days I have been thinking that if I were a crow,
I could happily roam everywhere.

That's our problem too.

We make unnecessary comparison with others and become sad.

We don't value what has God given us.
This all leads to the vicious cycle of unhappiness.

Value the things god has given us.

Learn the secret of being happy and discard the comparison which leads only to unhappines..

Sooooo beautiful la?..��

Whatsapp ( Dont think you are smart??!!)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the⛳ ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. 

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour..
⚠

Whatsapp ( Mauka me choka)

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." 

This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
must read ..superb one

Whatsapp ( Tinga in Clinic)

Dr: Which soap do u use?
Tinga: Dinga ka Neem wala sabun,

Dr: Which paste?

Tinga: Dinga ka Ayurvedic paste,

Dr: Shampoo?

Tinga: Dinga ka Herbal shampoo.

Dr: Hair oil?

Tinga: Dinga ka Amla tel...

Dr: Is Dinga a MultiNational Company Brand or a popular local company In your Place.?

Tinga: No, Dinga is my room-mate...

Whatsapp ( Logic or Magic)

Logic Question...

Harry, a fresh computer graduate from a world class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is James, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Harry is, "Are you good at logic?"

"Of course," replies Harry.

"Let me test you," replies James.

"Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?"

Harry stares at James. "Is that a test in Logic?" James nods.

​what is your answer?......​

"The one with the dirty face washes his face," he answers wearily.

​?????​

"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face."

"Hmm. I never thought of that," says Harry. "Give me another test."

James again holds up two fingers, "Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?"

​what is your answer now?​
??????????

"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face."

"Wrong. ​??????

​Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face"

"I didn't think of that!" says Harry. "It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!"

James holds up two fingers, "Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?"

​What is your answer????

​
"Each one washes his face."

​?????????​

"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face."

Harry is desperate. "I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!"

He groans when James lifts his two fingers, "Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?"

​What is your answer????

"Neither one washes his face"

​?????????
​
"Wrong. Do you now see, Harry, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see...?"

Whatsapp ( Funny Status)

⚠⚠⚠
Crazy people on my WhatsApp list.

1. Someone on his status "Sleeping" since 3 Days! He's Probably dead.

2. Someone is "Driving" since 9 days! I guess he reached North Pole!!

3. Someone's status is "Happy" since 1 Month. Living in Paradise???

4. Someone is always 'available'. How free are you?????

5. From first day their status is, 'Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp' I Know ! That's why you're on my list!

6. Someone writes "urgent calls only". Don't get it.. Are u in the fire or ambulance service?

7. Someone says, "can't talk. Whatsapp only". Dude then throw away ur phone.. You are not using the phone's Primary function

8. Someone is 'at the movies' for the past 6 weeks. Either he owns the theatre or sells popcorn there

Pls share with your loved ones and make them to lol others status. 

Whatsapp ( Management)

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs...
He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do this..?

Pease give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!
So the king agreed…

In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…

The guard was baffled…
But he agreed…
So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…

The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment.

But when he was thrown in,

Everyone was amazed at what they saw..
They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

So the king baffled at what he saw… Said:” what happened to the dog. !!!”

The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…

So the king realised his mistake

and
Got wolves instead

Moral : What management decided is decided..  though they are wrong, u will be screwed.

Whatsapp ( Position or Performance!!!!)

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who r u ?

Guy : I am a  Bus driver.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who r u ?

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.

God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.

Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold & I spent all my life preaching good get cotton.

God : Results, my son, results.

While you preached, people slept, when he drove, people really prayed...

☝“Its Performance, not Position that Counts !!”
Awarded Joke

Whatsapp ( Is this Engineering??)

Imagine, a dense forest, u r alone, midnite, wind blowing harder, der's a tree infront of u, wit a deadbody hanging at a height of 15ft frm the ground, its eyes staring at u, ur heart beating faster, breath's sparse, u go near it. Suddenly...
d branch inclines by its weight...
Then,
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
Draw its
a)Front view,
b)Side view
c)Top view, elevation.
d)find its angle of inclination.

The life of engineers ..

Whatsapp ( 3 Secrets)

Very Good one........The last stages of the war in Ramayana.
Blood flowing like a river. The vanquished Ravana lying on the ground, groaning in pain, awaiting his death.
Rama calls Lakshmana .
Lakshmana, the ever obedient brother says “Yes brother, what do I have to do”
Dear Lakshmana, I have a very important job for you. For all his faults, Ravana is still a great man, very learned, full of wisdom. A great Siva Bhakta. A benevolent Chakravarty. Singer, musician, expert in Veena, knows al the Vedas by heart. Please go to him, pay your respects and request him to share his learning before he departs from this world.
The ever obedient Lakshmana immediately proceeds to the place where Ravana is lying. He stood near his head. Hearing the footsteps and recognising that Lakshmana is standing near his head, Ravana keeps quiet. Lakshmana waits a long time and returns frustrated.
Reports to Rama what happened. Rama, the all knowing, smiles. Lakshmana, when you go to someone for learning, you have to stand at their feet, not sit on their head. Learn to pay proper respect to Ravana so that he can impart his learnings.
Lakshmana goes back and stands near Ravana’s feet. Looking at Lakshmana, Ravana smiles and welcomes him. Dear brother Lakshmana, welcome. How can I be of service to you asks Ravana. Lakshmana keeps silent. Ravana understands the purpose for which Lakshmana has come. He requests Lakshmana to come near him so that he can whisper in his ears.
Says Ravana, I will teach you the 3 most important things which all must follow in their lives :
----
-----
-----
1. Please Don’t get hooked to Whatsapp
2. Don’t use Facebook
3. While driving, please don’t use your Mobile.
You will succeed in your life.

Whatsapp ( Tinga Rocks)

Read this. You will laugh like hell.

Tinga Interview Ke Liye Gaye.

Naukri Already Boss Ke Saale Ko Mil Chuki Thee.

Par Formality Ke Liye Interview Jaroori Tha.

Isliye Aise Sawaal Pucche Ja Rahe The Jinka Koi Matlab Nahi Tha.

Tinga Ki Bari Aayi.

Interviewer : Aap Nadi Ke Beech Ek Boat Par Ho, Aur Apke Paas do Cigarettes Ke Alawa Kuch Bhi Nahi Hai.
Apko ek cigarette Jallana Hai. ? Kaise Jalaoge ?

Tinga Very Serious.
Sir Iske teen-char Solutions Ho Sakte Hai...

Interviewer Shocked Lekin Kahaan... Batao!!!

Tinga Ke Out Of The World Answers: Take one cigarette and throw it in the Water. So the boat will become
LIGHTER…… using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

Interviewer:- Kya Bakwas Hai...

Tinga's another deadly solution:
You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

Interviewer:-Stupid

Tinga:- Sir one more Solution….
Take water in your hand
and drop it drop by drop…(TIP – TIP)

Interviewer:- Abey Gadhe Usse Kya hoga..

Tinga:- Sir Aapne Wo Gaana Nahin Suna
“TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee.” us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee”

Tinga- Sir If that was not enough, i have one more solution…..
Start praising one cigarette,The other will get jealous & “jalney lagega”

Interviewer Impressed :- Saale ko maaro goli, naukri Tinga ji ko hee de do.

Whatsapp ( Special Laws.!!)

Hilarious Laws which you have not studied in schools:

Law of equality :

The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes  is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll cal you in 5 minutes!
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Queue:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Bath Theorem:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Bio mechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Theatre Rule:

People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of Proposal :

After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Law of getting late

When you reach early for something it will never starts on time

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
  Law of exam

If you didn't read a page which is of least importance,  first question will be from that page only.

Whatsapp ( Commonsense)

Prize winning message of the year-.

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a  loud voice,
"I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOUUU!!!!!”

All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.......

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.

Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”

The guy responded with a loud voice,
“200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?!
THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock......

The guy leaned over and whispered,
"I study Engineering, and I know how to screw people.........."

Don't Laugh alone ...

Whatsapp ( Talent..I dont know it really happened or not)

Awesome one

A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman's job at London 's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. 

And finally 6:00 PM came around. 

The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" 

"Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. 
"Only one sale?" blurted the boss. 

"No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. 

"If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. 

By the way "How much was the sale worth?" 
= 93300534.00 pounds" said the young man. 
"What"," How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. 

"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. 
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. 

So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. 

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. 

I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had not decided, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. 

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer. 

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!"

"No" answered the salesman,"he came in to buy a headache relief tablet and I said to him, "Sir, fishing is best remedy for headache."

Boss - "You sit in my chair...

Whatsapp ( Nice one)

(Worth Reading)
************************
Never Tell Ur Problems to all,
20% will not Care
&
80% will be Glad that U have Them.

************************
Life is similar to Boxing Game.
Defeat is not Declared when U Fall Down.
It is Declared when U Refuse to Get Up.

************************
Always WRONG PERSONS Teach the
RIGHT LESSONS in Life.
That is called LIFE EXPERIENCE.

************************
Faith is taking the 1st Step,
even when U dont see the whole Staircase.

************************
Keep Ur Face to the Sun,
& U will not see the Shadow.

************************
Everything is Valuable only at 2 Times:
1: Before Getting It.
&
2: After Losing It.

************************
2 Things brings Happiness & Success
in Life:
1: The way U Manage
when U have Nothing.
&
2: The way U Behave
when U have Everything.

************************
2 Places are most Valuable in the World:
1: The NICEST Place is to be in
Someone's Thoughts.
&
2: The SAFEST Place is to be in
Someone's Prayers.

************************
'FEAR' has 2 Meanings:
1: Forget Everything & Run.
&
2: Face Everything & Rejoice.
Choice is Ours.

************************
ATTITUDE at its Best:
"My BACK is not a VOICE MAIL.
Kindly Say whatever U have by FACING ME".

************************
What is SUCCESS ?
SUCCESS is, when Ur Photo's are Uploaded on 'GOOGLE' instead of FACEBOOK.

************************
'EGO' is the only Requirement
to Destroy any Relationship.
Be a Bigger Person,
Skip the 'E' & let it 'GO'.

************************
Do U know why God did not give Us
the Gift to Read Other's Mind ?
So that, We could have the Chances to
'TRUST' & Privilege to be 'TRUSTED'.

************************
As long as We do not Forgive People
who have Hurt Us,
They Occupy a 'RENT-FREE-SPACE'
in our Mind.

************************
Always keep Hoping for Good.
Keep a Green Tree in Ur Heart.
The Singing Birds will Automatically come.

************************
If U Walk the Way guided by Humans,
U will find a Hopeless End.
BUT
If U will Walk the Way guided by GOD,
U will find Endless Hopes & Opportunities.

************************
GOD always likes to know again & again
what U want.
It is not that He Forgets Ur
Dreams & Prayers,
But He Loves to Check Ur Passion
towards Ur Desire.
That is why He wants U to have Ur
'QUIET TIME' which We call as
'PRAYER TIME' with Him everyday.

************************
I asked GOD: If everything is already Written in Destiny,
then why should I Pray ?
GOD Smiled & said: I have also Written
'CONDITIONS APPLY'.

************************
Empty Pockets Teach
Millions of Things in Life.
BUT
Full Pockets Spoil Us in Million Ways.

************************
TRUST is like a Sticker.
Once it is Removed, it may Stick again,
but not as Strong as it Holds
when U First Applied.

************************
Always take Care of RELATIONS.
Thats why they say, when U are in Doubt,
'SILENCE' is the Best Policy.

************************
Never Win People with Arguments.
rather Defeat Them with Ur Smile.
Because People who always Wish to
Argue with U, cannot Bear Ur SILENCE.

************************
If a Drop of Water falls on a Lake,
its Identity is Lost.
BUT
If a Drop of Water falls on a Lotus Leaf,
it Shines like a Pearl.
Drop is the Same,
but the 'COMPANY' matters.

************************
Our HOPES should be like HAIR & NAILS.
No matter how many times they get Cut,
but they never stop Growing.
That is why they say,
Always Hope for the Best,
however Bad the Situation may be.

************************
'MEMORIES' are always Special.
Sometimes, We Laugh by
Remembering the days We Cried.
& Sometimes, We Cry by
Remembering the days We Laughed.
Thats LIFE.

Kindly share with all your Dear ones

Whatsapp ( Killing English)

Leave applications.  

(murdering english language)

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."
________________________________

From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."
________________________________
Leave-letter from an employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
_____________________________
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________
Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________
A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
________________________________
A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
________________________________
Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
________________________________
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
________________________________
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."
________________________________
Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
________________________________
Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office-
"wife serious, send substitute!"

Laugh and pass...

Whatsapp ( Escalator to Success)

Sharing a nice message some one has posted to me , worth reading :

When flood comes, fish eats ants and when flood recedes, ants eat fish. Only time matters. Just hold on. God gives opportunity to every one.

In a theatre when drama plays, you opt for front seats. When film is screened, you opt for rear seats. Your position in life is only relative. Not absolute.

For making soap, oil is required. But to clean oil, soap is required. This is the irony of life.

Every problem has (N+1) solutions: where N is the number of solutions that you have tried and 1 is that you have not tried.

When you are in problem, don't think it's the End. It is only a Bend in life.

Only two category of people are happy in life - the Mad and the Child. Be Mad to achieve a goal. Be a Child to enjoy what you achieved.

There is no Escalator to success.  Only Steps!!

Whatsapp ( Think about it..)

WELCOME TO THE
21ST CENTURY!!!
*Our Phones ~     Wireless

*Cooking ~           Fireless

*Cars ~                 Keyless

Food ~                  Fatless

Tyres ~          ⚪  Tubeless

*Dress ~               Sleeveless

Youth ~                Jobless

*Leaders ~          Shameless

Relationships~   Meaningless

*Attitude ~          Careless

Feelings ~           Heartless

Education ~ ✖  Valueless

Mobile comes
Camera  gone

Mobile comes
⏰ Wrist Watch gone

Mobile comes
Torch gone

Mobile comes
Radio gone

Mobile comes
MP3 gone

Mobile comes
Letters gone

Mobile comes
Calculator gone

Mobile comes
Computer gone

Mobile comes
Peace of mind gone

People getting mental
&
Phones getting Smart
Kya change.

Nice one right...

Whatsapp (Heart Touching 2)

YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES!

Jerry is a manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
Many of the waiters at his restaurant used to quit their jobs when Jerry changed jobs, so that they could follow him around from restaurant to restaurant.

Why?
Because Jerry was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! No one can be a positive person all the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied,
"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood. I always choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I always choose the positive side of life."

"But it's not always that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is." Jerry said.
"Life is all about choices.
When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.
You choose how you react to situations.
You choose how people will affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood.
It's your choice how you live your life."
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something that you are never expected to do in a restaurant business. He left the back door of his restaurant open. And then?
In the morning, he was robbed by three armed men. They forced Jerry to open the safe box. While Jerry was trying to open it, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped of the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body!

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I would be twins! Want to see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds but did ask him what was going through his mind as the robbery took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.
"Then after they shot me, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me that I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'He's a dead man.' And I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked me if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I'm choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I'm alive, and not dead'."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. 
I learned from him that:
Everyday you have a choice to either enjoy your day or to hate it.
The only thing that is truly yours- that no one can control or take from you- is your attitude. So if you can take care of that, everything in life becomes much easier.

Now you've two choices to make:
1. You can just read and forget this story
2. You can share it with someone you care about.

Whatsapp (Heart Touching)

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives.

She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying'.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I took care of.  They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work ."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Have a  most beautiful & wonderful life as we are blessed to be humans..

Whatsapp ( Mental Hospital)

The story of Tinga and Dinga

Tinga and Dinga were both patients in a mental hospital..

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Dinga suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Tinga promptly jumped in to save him.

He swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Tinga's heroic act, she immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered him to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Dinga the news. she said: 'Tinga, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Dinga hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Tinga replied (you'll love this) .
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry'

Must read

Whatsapp ( Really Educational)

First time in world history of WhatsApp msg IMPORTANT & USEFULL MESSAGE

(α+в+¢)²= α²+в²+¢²+2(αв+в¢+¢α)
1. (α+в)²= α²+2αв+в²
2. (α+в)²= (α-в)²+4αв b
3. (α-в)²= α²-2αв+в²
4. (α-в)²= f(α+в)²-4αв
5. α² + в²= (α+в)² - 2αв.
6. α² + в²= (α-в)² + 2αв.
7. α²-в² =(α + в)(α - в)
8. 2(α² + в²) = (α+ в)² + (α - в)²
9. 4αв = (α + в)² -(α-в)²
10. αв ={(α+в)/2}²-{(α-в)/2}²
11. (α + в + ¢)² = α² + в² + ¢² + 2(αв + в¢ + ¢α)
12. (α + в)³ = α³ + 3α²в + 3αв² + в³
13. (α + в)³ = α³ + в³ + 3αв(α + в)
14. (α-в)³=α³-3α²в+3αв²-в³
15. α³ + в³ = (α + в) (α² -αв + в²)
16. α³ + в³ = (α+ в)³ -3αв(α+ в)
17. α³ -в³ = (α -в) (α² + αв + в²)
18. α³ -в³ = (α-в)³ + 3αв(α-в)

ѕιη0° =0
ѕιη30° = 1/2
ѕιη45° = 1/√2
ѕιη60° = √3/2
ѕιη90° = 1
¢σѕ ιѕ σρρσѕιтє σƒ ѕιη
тαη0° = 0
тαη30° = 1/√3
тαη45° = 1
тαη60° = √3
тαη90° = ∞
¢σт ιѕ σρρσѕιтє σƒ тαη
ѕє¢0° = 1
ѕє¢30° = 2/√3
ѕє¢45° = √2
ѕє¢60° = 2
ѕє¢90° = ∞
¢σѕє¢ ιѕ σρρσѕιтє σƒ ѕє¢

2ѕιηα¢σѕв=ѕιη(α+в)+ѕιη(α-в)
2¢σѕαѕιηв=ѕιη(α+в)-ѕιη(α-в)
2¢σѕα¢σѕв=¢σѕ(α+в)+¢σѕ(α-в)
2ѕιηαѕιηв=¢σѕ(α-в)-¢σѕ(α+в)

ѕιη(α+в)=ѕιηα ¢σѕв+ ¢σѕα ѕιηв.
» ¢σѕ(α+в)=¢σѕα ¢σѕв - ѕιηα ѕιηв.
» ѕιη(α-в)=ѕιηα¢σѕв-¢σѕαѕιηв.
» ¢σѕ(α-в)=¢σѕα¢σѕв+ѕιηαѕιηв.
» тαη(α+в)= (тαηα + тαηв)/ (1−тαηαтαηв)
» тαη(α−в)= (тαηα − тαηв) / (1+ тαηαтαηв)
» ¢σт(α+в)= (¢σтα¢σтв −1) / (¢σтα + ¢σтв)
» ¢σт(α−в)= (¢σтα¢σтв + 1) / (¢σтв− ¢σтα)
» ѕιη(α+в)=ѕιηα ¢σѕв+ ¢σѕα ѕιηв.
» ¢σѕ(α+в)=¢σѕα ¢σѕв +ѕιηα ѕιηв.
» ѕιη(α-в)=ѕιηα¢σѕв-¢σѕαѕιηв.
» ¢σѕ(α-в)=¢σѕα¢σѕв+ѕιηαѕιηв.
» тαη(α+в)= (тαηα + тαηв)/ (1−тαηαтαηв)
» тαη(α−в)= (тαηα − тαηв) / (1+ тαηαтαηв)
» ¢σт(α+в)= (¢σтα¢σтв −1) / (¢σтα + ¢σтв)
» ¢σт(α−в)= (¢σтα¢σтв + 1) / (¢σтв− ¢σтα)

α/ѕιηα = в/ѕιηв = ¢/ѕιη¢ = 2я
» α = в ¢σѕ¢ + ¢ ¢σѕв
» в = α ¢σѕ¢ + ¢ ¢σѕα
» ¢ = α ¢σѕв + в ¢σѕα
» ¢σѕα = (в² + ¢²− α²) / 2в¢
» ¢σѕв = (¢² + α²− в²) / 2¢α
» ¢σѕ¢ = (α² + в²− ¢²) / 2¢α
» Δ = αв¢/4я
» ѕιηΘ = 0 тнєη,Θ = ηΠ
» ѕιηΘ = 1 тнєη,Θ = (4η + 1)Π/2
» ѕιηΘ =−1 тнєη,Θ = (4η− 1)Π/2
» ѕιηΘ = ѕιηα тнєη,Θ = ηΠ (−1)^ηα

1. ѕιη2α = 2ѕιηα¢σѕα
2. ¢σѕ2α = ¢σѕ²α − ѕιη²α
3. ¢σѕ2α = 2¢σѕ²α − 1
4. ¢σѕ2α = 1 − ѕιη²α
5. 2ѕιη²α = 1 − ¢σѕ2α
6. 1 + ѕιη2α = (ѕιηα + ¢σѕα)²
7. 1 − ѕιη2α = (ѕιηα − ¢σѕα)²
8. тαη2α = 2тαηα / (1 − тαη²α)
9. ѕιη2α = 2тαηα / (1 + тαη²α)
10. ¢σѕ2α = (1 − тαη²α) / (1 + тαη²α)
11. 4ѕιη³α = 3ѕιηα − ѕιη3α
12. 4¢σѕ³α = 3¢σѕα + ¢σѕ3α

» ѕιη²Θ+¢σѕ²Θ=1
» ѕє¢²Θ-тαη²Θ=1
» ¢σѕє¢²Θ-¢σт²Θ=1
» ѕιηΘ=1/¢σѕє¢Θ
» ¢σѕє¢Θ=1/ѕιηΘ
» ¢σѕΘ=1/ѕє¢Θ
» ѕє¢Θ=1/¢σѕΘ
» тαηΘ=1/¢σтΘ
» ¢σтΘ=1/тαηΘ
» тαηΘ=ѕιηΘ/¢σѕΘ
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